That moment when it just clicked.....

After my thyroid disease diagnosis, I remember having that feeling of losing control. A part of me gave up in that moment. I remember thinking "Well, that's just it. I guess I'm going to be fat forever." I remember being told by my doctor that it was going to be extremely difficult, if not impossible to lose weight. "You'll have to work at least twice as hard as the normal person and you still might not lose," he told me. Work twice as hard? Still not see results? What kind of death sentence did this diagnosis give me?

For a while I just decided that this was my new reality. It still sucked. I still hated it. But what was I supposed to do? There was no miracle pill. The thought of some crazy weight loss surgery scared me to death. Hell, even the doctor said the odds were stacked against me. Giving up seemed like the only viable option. And so that's how I went about my life for a couple of years. Slowly gaining more and more weight.

Then my husband and I found out we were pregnant again. And, this pregnancy was no picnic. I had many serious complications and about a half dozen trips to the ER for hemorrhaging. Plus, about a half dozen more trips to the hospital for pre-term labor. I was on complete bedrest for the first trimester and modified bedrest for the duration of my pregnancy. That gave me a lot of time to think (and watch lifetime movies). When we found out we were having a girl, that was my life changing moment.

We had two boys already, but there is just something different about having a girl. I remember thinking that I didn't want my daughter to feel the way I did. I wanted better for her. I didn't want her to grow up with body image issues. I didn't want her to feel any less than beautiful all the time. I didn't want her to look at me and be disgusted, embarrassed, or ashamed. I didn't want her to avoid introducing me to her friends because she was ashamed of her fat mom. I wanted her to be proud of me. I wanted her to think I'm beautiful. I wanted her to know that healthy habits are important. I wanted her to know that her mommy works hard. I didn't want her to see me as lazy and a quitter.

I remember telling my Ob/gyn towards the end of my pregnancy that I planned to lose at least 100 pounds. I remember him laughing. I remember him telling me "Don't get your hopes up. Start small." I remember thinking "You don't know how wrong you are to underestimate me." Maybe that was his strategy. Maybe he wanted to piss me off to motivate me. Maybe he was just a jerk. I don't know. All I know is that I was on a mission.

Because of my pregnancy complications, I didn't get to workout at that common 6 week postpartum mark that most people are allowed to. I had to wait until I had ultrasounds and testing and my doctor's permission, which took about an extra month or so. But when I got the all clear, it was like a fire had been lit in me. I was one determined woman, and nobody could stop me!